Moving Forward

 Not saying it can't be done, but rebuilding your life from ground zero takes a lot of work. It's not easy.  The plus side it that you get to rebuild it the way that you want.  And you've had a little bit of life experience to know what you do and don't want to include in your new life. I seriously have a lot of healing to do and I believe that is what is somewhat holding me back.  Not moving forward as fast as I would like is a bit discouraging.   I know I can do this. 

 Building healthy habits is the best way to reach your long term goals.  I have made it a habit to do this blog/journal thing daily so that I can document my progress and maybe get a few thoughts out.  I was up late on TikTok mobile last night with a TT friend, SpinGinger.  I wanted to blog before bed, but also could not end that conversation.  It was very informative and helpful.  Sometimes listening to the trauma of other's can be a way to see all the positives in your life.  Spin also gave me some good advice about planning out my livestreams for the month.  After joining an agency about three months ago, I have committed to going live for 20 hours a month across the span of at least 10 days.  I'm pushing to get those last-minute hours in tonight and tomorrow.  Ideally, I would absolutely have those hours each month. However, I'm moving a little slow as far as finding my way.  I know what I want to talk about- Healing, personal g...

 The morning routine is almost down pat.  4/5 days this week I woke up at 7 and yesterday only two hours late, waking up at 9am.  Not bad.  I have taken my medication each morning, taken my vitamins and showered. Showering was the hardest part.  I now get it done earlier in the day and no longer carry around that sense of dread for hours that I need to shower and feel less gross. Midday is my new struggle.  What should I be doing between the hours of 12-3pm?  It is an odd time because baby is awake and wild. He doesn't too much wanna be bothered by me while he does his own thing.  Also I can't do anything else of my own because I am watching him.   I get tired and it gets hot.  That's a lie, it's not even that hot.  An excuse.  I feel overstimulated that my attention is on him, there are other things I should be doing... so many things that I can't pick one, so I don't do anything. I am going to work on that next week....

 A little off track sometimes, is okay.  As long as you don't stay off track.  Waking up two hours later than I planned changed the course of today a bit... maybe even for the better.  I posted three TikTok Shop videos on my original profile which has my first and last name (I didn't know any better when I created the account). I had my phone number and email linked also, making it quite easy for anyone to track me down. I quickly found out that I had a stalker who hated me when they accidentally liked one of my videos.  I know it was an accidently because this person hates me and had been horrible to me for the past year or two.  She even sent me a video of my son in which she can be heard telling him to "say it, say what you just said".  He clearly felt uncomfortable, forced and broken. She was encouraging him to say that he did not want to see his mother.   I am the mother. I posted an image that read about how much strength it takes to pu...

 Officially the third day in a row that I have gotten out of bed just before 7am and began my day.  Three days of blogging and getting my thoughts out. Do I expect anyone to read or relate to this? No.  But I will.  Sometimes I will look back on my journal entries from even a week prior and see that my mindset and my progress are in a completely different place.  It could be for the better or worse.... but if I look back months or years prior, I am always in a better place.  I have been constantly striving to improve my life since 2020.  My last arrest. Strung out, addicted, homeless, mentally unwell and covered in smut.  Actual smut from a fire that I had covered myself with.  I was completely black.... arms, face-everything. In my head, there was a very good reason for this.

Sleeping in piles of trash, wearing the same dirty clothes for weeks, months... no personal hygiene for years.  Months and years of treating myself for skin mites has taken its toll. The showers are less scary now... for a LONG time showers were horrible and traumatic.  Rubbing the soapy water on my body caused the mites to scramble all over my body.  It took hours after my shower for them to calm down.  Shaving my head made it worse. They ran everywhere and had caused me to be a horrible mental state every single day after every shower.  The cleaning steps before and after my shower took hours each day. Prescription medication, creams... humiliating visits to doctors and dermatologists.